


ten steps to falling in love (ten steps to self destruction)

by guanlin



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, im actually really sorry this is so shitty i love meanie why did i do this to them
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-18
Updated: 2016-09-18
Packaged: 2018-08-15 19:24:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,913
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8069743
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/guanlin/pseuds/guanlin
Summary: the number one rule to falling in love is to not fall in love.





	

**Author's Note:**

> hi everyone im back with another fic except this time its angst!1!!!!111!! heads up that this is sad nd there isnt really a happy ending so im sorry but whatever. highly recommend listening to 'Youth' by daughter, 'Total Eclipse of the heart' by sleeping at last and 'hurts like hell' by fleurie whilst reading this if you love death and pain like i do!! :)
> 
> this is dedicated to my buddy 'fuckjisu' on tumblr because she/he/other (IM SORRY IM NOT SURE) popped up to me this morning about my Jisol fic and i spontaneously asked him/her/other to give me a ship to write angst about but started it before she/he/other replied so HERE YA GO MATE I HOPE YOU ENJOY MEANIE EVEN THOUGH THIS WASNT WHAT YOU WANTED 
> 
>  
> 
> as always, hit me up on my tumblr @jeongquq for questions, complaints or just a mental convo. 
> 
> Enjoy reading & give me some feedback!! <3

i.  
do not fall in love. it does not conquer anything except you.

*  
Mingyu looks ethereal in this light, the shitty strobe lighting of the club they're in bouncing off of his cheekbones and putting a glint in his eye. He leans closer to Wonwoo and whispers in his ear, breath bouncing off of the shell.  
“Wanna dance?” he asks and Wonwoo pulls back to look at him again. He is infatuated.   
“Sure,” he breathes.

Mingyu holds his hand and Wonwoo admires how the contrast between their skin, Mingyu’s tanned and Wonwoo’s pale, looks against each other, how their hands fit like they were meant to be. Wonwoo wonders if it is cruel fate or bad luck that he was born into a world where boys cannot kiss boys when Mingyu looks like he was made for kissing him, looks like maybe he’d kiss back.

The dance floor is filled with hundreds of sweat-slicked people, sliding against each other whilst the bass of the music rattles its way into Wonwoo’s very chest, his very being. Mingyu stops and spins Wonwoo round into his chest, splays a hand over his hip and they move as one, not so much dancing as moving together. Wonwoo can feel Mingyu’s breath on his neck and he lets his head fall back against Mingyu’s shoulder. He let’s Mingyu slip his thumb into the waistband of his jeans and pull him closer. Mingyu’s teeth graze Wonwoo’s jaw and he turns to look at him, look into his eyes and they are just brown, really. They’re not special, not blue like the sea or bottle green, not amazingly striking yet Wonwoo can see everything. If he looked long enough, he swears he could find the secrets of the universe.

Mingyu kisses him then and Wonwoo will never forget the way his lungs fell in love with Mingyu’s air. Mingyu’s lips are soft against Wonwoo’s own and he turns, feels Mingyu’s arms wrap around his waist and practically melts into him. Mingyu pulls away, looks at him like he hung the moon.  
“Wanna get out of here?”  
Wonwoo nods.

He knows what this is, knows what this will become if he lets it.   
He lets it.

  
ii.   
disobey i.  
he is lovely and beautiful and you are infatuated.

*  
Mingyu is the first one to say it on their seventh date when they are driving back to Wonwoo’s apartment.

Their hands are joined on the middle console and Wonwoo can see Mingyu staring at him from his peripherals. When Mingyu says it, Wonwoo almost crashes the car.  
“I love you.”

The car swerves for a second and Wonwoo’s breath hitches though he can’t help but think that if he were to die now, he wouldn’t mind. Wonwoo doesn’t speak until he parks the car.  
“That was abrupt,” he says weakly and Mingyu laughs the way Wonwoo loves, all teeth and high pitched. Mingyu turns his body fully so it’s facing Wonwoo.  
“I know,” he says, smiling, “It’s true though. I really do love you.”  
Wonwoo thinks back to all the times he’s mustered up the courage to say the three words, only to back out. He thinks of all the memories of Mingyu he’s got burned to the back of his eyelashes. His favourite, where Mingyu is laughing, his head thrown back. There’s a picture of it that Minghao took and Wonwoo is looking at Mingyu like forever isn’t long enough.   
“You know,” Wonwoo begins, “Sometimes I look at you and think ‘people like you are not meant to love people like me’. And it’s true, I swear it but here we are and I love you too, Kim Mingyu. I love you more than I should and I worry that you’re going to be the one great love of my life and everyone else will be disappointing compared to you.”  
Mingyu smiles and Wonwoo knows he will die loving Mingyu, knows that maybe he’ll die because of it.

  
iii.  
every time he smiles at you, you could describe every single colour in detail without using the word.

*  
Pink.   
The colour of the candy floss you ate on your first date, the colour of your cheeks when he kisses you on your doorstep with your roommates watching, the colour of the fairground from the top of the ferris wheel. The marks he leaves on your skin when your hands graze across the table. Your heart when he wraps an arm around your shoulder. It is the colour of his shirt when you slow dance at your friend’s wedding, the colour of the sky when you tell him your dreams. It is the colour of his lips. The colour that takes over you when he smiles. His smile.

iv.  
when you make love for the first time, he holds you,  
no, cradles you. you are a carefully constructed knot and every time he touches you, you unravel.

*  
Mingyu crashes into Wonwoo one night and asks if they can go all the way. Wonwoo says yes and pulls Mingyu’s shirt over his head.

There is a fine line between having sex and making love and Mingyu and Wonwoo have crossed it. Mingyu is the most beautiful thing Wonwoo has ever seen and he cannot believe he is so lucky to have Mingyu gasping his name underneath him. Mingyu runs his hands over Wonwoo, feels the great rifts and barriers in his body and Wonwoo falls apart underneath his hands. He feels light, free, the best he’s ever felt in his life.   
“You’re beautiful,” Mingyu murmurs.   
“You’re everything,” Wonwoo replies.

They finish together and Mingyu scratches angry marks into Wonwoo’s back, groans his name and Wonwoo hides his face in Mingyu’s neck, whispers ‘I love you’ over and over again until the words blur into each other and Mingyu is stroking his face tenderly, looking beautiful and amazing and fantastic as the evening sun sets fire to his eyelashes. He doesn’t like compliments, doesn’t take them very well but Wonwoo says them anyway, in a rush and Mingyu blushes and pushes him to the side of the bed, covering his face with his hands. Wonwoo hooks a foot around Mingyu’s ankle and drags him towards him. He kisses every single part of Mingyu’s neck whilst Mingyu squirms underneath him.

v.  
you are so in love. he is everything. you stargaze and drive on empty roads at 4am. you think this is everything you have ever wanted.

*  
The wind whips through Mingyu’s hair as they drive along the empty highway at four in the morning. All four of the windows in Wonwoo’s shitty car are open and Wonwoo’s eyes are watering. Mingyu has a careless hand thrown out of the window. He hasn’t shaved for a couple of days and there is stubble forming on his chin and upper lip, making him look older than just twenty. Wonwoo is thinking about how, in their two years together, he’s never seen Mingyu cry, ever.   
“Why haven't I seen you cry?” Wonwoo asks and MIngyu looks at him, confused.  
“What?”  
“Why don’t you ever cry?”  
“What sort of question is that?”  
Mingyu used to have patience with Wonwoo.  
“I don’t know,” he says, “I’m sorry.”  
Mingyu’s face softens.  
“It’s alright, Wonu. I suppose I just never cry.”  
Wonwoo nods and turns back to the road.  
“Okay,” he says.

They stop the car on a grassy bank of the motorway and get out. Mingyu lies back first and then Wonwoo does, pillowing his head on Mingyu’s outstretched arm. Mingyu purrs contentedly and pulls him closer, kissing his forehead. Moments like these lately are far and few between so Wonwoo relishes it. He’s not worried.

The stars are bright and prominent in the sky and Mingyu and Wonwoo spend a lot of time attempting to name constellations and making up dumb names for the ones they don’t recognise. They laugh like they’re kids again and Wonwoo is very content, feels like he could do anything. There is a ring burning a hole in his pocket but now is not the time.   
“I love you,” Wonwoo says instead.  
Mingyu hums.

vi.  
you ask him who he is texting. he says nobody. you can feel the end coming. it feels like Armageddon.

*  
Wonwoo drags Mingyu out of the house on a Sunday morning to get groceries and he is texting all the time, smiling down at his phone the way he used to smile at Wonwoo. Wonwoo grabs the lapels of Mingyu’s jacket and looks over his shoulder. He catches the blue and grey colours of an iMessage thread before Mingyu is quickly shutting off his phone and turning to him.  
“You alright?” he asks Wonwoo. He looks annoyed.  
“I’m…yeah. Who’re you texting?”  
Mingyu shrugs.  
“Nobody.”  
Wonwoo cocks his head to the side.  
“Since when do we keep secrets from each other, Gyu?” Mingyu stops examining a milk carton and snaps his head up.  
“Since when do we not trust each other?”  
Wonwoo’s eyes widen.  
“You know that’s not what I was saying. I was just wondering who you were texting.”  
“Well, you don’t need to know, Wonu. Jesus.”  
Wonwoo’s shoulders droop. When they get home, Mingyu goes straight out and doesn’t come back until Wonwoo’s almost asleep. Mingyu is on the phone. From where he’s lying on his side, he can catch some of the conversation. He catches:  
“When can I see you again?”  
“Tomorrow? No, I’m free tomorrow.”

Wonwoo feels tears running down his cheeks, soaking into the pillow. Tomorrow is his and Mingyu’s third anniversary. Tomorrow is the last.

vii.   
it is worse than Armageddon. it is two meteorites colliding, fire and ice coming together. the world rains down on you in screaming whistles and when he slams the door, he doesn't say 'see you later', he says ‘goodbye.'

*  
“You’re cheating on me, aren’t you?”  
This is the first time Wonwoo has ever seen Mingyu cry. He is sitting on the edge of the bed when Wonwoo says it and his phone drops from his hand onto the floor. Wonwoo picks it up and Mingyu doesn’t even try to stop him, they both know what’s going on here. There is a text message thread from him to a boy called Jeonghan. They are planning some sort of meet up or date for tomorrow. Wonwoo stares at it, expressionless. Mingyu is sobbing and he grabs Wonwoo’s wrist and pulls him closer. He looks into his eyes and Wonwoo cannot see the secrets of the universe.  
“I’m so-“  
“How long?”  
Wonwoo cuts Mingyu off. He is not crying.   
“I…” Mingyu takes a deep, hitching breath and looks up, ready to fight for himself but as soon as he sees Wonwoo’s face, he deflates.  
“Five months.”  
If Wonwoo’s heart wasn't already broken, it would have broken then.  
“Were you planning on telling me?”  
Mingyu sobs again.  
“I couldn’t, Wonu! You know I couldn’t!” “So you just wanted to lead me on, Mingyu? Huh? Is that what you wanted? It would have hurt me a lot less if you could just-“ He takes a deep breath and here are the tears. He lowers his voice slightly.  
“It would have hurt a lot less if you just would have cut it off.”  
Mingyu nods and reaches for Wonwoo, almost as if it’s reflex. Wonwoo jerks away and Mingyu kind of keels over onto his side, curling into a ball. Wonwoo kneels down so he’s face to face with the love of his life.  
“Does he know about me?”  
“No.”  
“Do you love him?” he asks Mingyu.   
Mingyu nods and clears his throat.  
“I do.” A single tear runs down Wonwoo’s cheek. He gets up and lies down next to Mingyu. He pulls Mingyu’s body into his chest and breathes him in, breathes in the last three years. Mingyu lets him. Wonwoo cries into his neck and Mingyu holds his hand, holds him so that they’re holding each other. Wonwoo finds himself thinking of the saying, ‘Home is where the heart is’. He knows, that Mingyu will always have his heart but how long has it been since he had Mingyu’s? Had he ever?

“Do you love me?” Wonwoo asks a while later, voice low.   
Mingyu clenches his eyes shut.  
“No,” he says.   
Wonwoo nods.   
“Be gone by morning.” “Okay,” Mingyu says, “Goodbye, Wonwoo.” Wonwoo swallows the lump in his throat. Wonwoo was wrong, Mingyu was not made to kiss him. Kim Mingyu was made to break his heart.   
“Goodbye.”   
When he wakes up the next morning, Mingyu is gone.

viii.   
you are lying in the bed you used to share, your face in his pillow. you dread the time his smell fades from it. you are crying without realising it but you are so angry. you were so in love and he ruined it. you only feel the anger to distract yourself from the fact your heart is not there because he ripped it out and pocketed it when he left.

*  
When Wonwoo wakes up, he forgets what happened last night. For a moment, things are fine and then everything comes rushing back. Wonwoo curls into a ball. Everything is hurting. He feels so empty, so very empty without Mingyu here. He reaches for his phone on his bedside table and turns it on. Immediately, he is greeted with the grinning face of Mingyu. Wonwoo’s stomach jolts. He swallows and quickly keys in the code. He finds his speed dial and ignores the contact name of MINGYU <3 in favour of calling the person under JUN. Wonwoo is crying when Junhui answers.  
“Jun,” he sobs out and he feels a sharp intake of breath.  
“Wonu?” Jun’s voice comes crackling through the speakers, “Are you okay? Where are you?”  
Wonwoo can hear the worry in Jun’s voice and catches the voice of Jun’s boyfriend, Minghao, in the background. Wonwoo aches.  
“I’m-I’m at…” can wonwoo even call this his home anymore?  
“I’m at my apartment,” he forces out, “Mingyu cheated on me.”  
He hears both Jun and Minghao gasp.  
“He did what?” Junhui bites out and Wonwoo just knows he’s angry.  
“Please can you get Soonyoung? I really need you guys right now.” Jun exhales.  
“Yeah,” he says, “I’ll get him and we’ll be round, okay? We’re gonna get some clothes and stuff so we can stay with you. Is that okay?”  
Wonwoo nods before he remembers Jun can’t hear him.  
“Yeah,” he sobs, “Junhui, I’m-“ “i love you, Wonwoo,” Junhui says, “I’ll see you soon.” The call ends and Wonwoo shoves his fist in his mouth to quell the sobbing. It doesn’t work.

Wonwoo scrambles up when he hears a knock on the door and as soon as the door is open he collapses into Soonyoung’s arms, sobbing. Soonyoung strokes his hair and rocks him like a baby and when Wonwoo opens his eyes he sees Minghao, with tears rolling down his face. His head is hidden in the crook of Junhui’s neck and Junhui just stares at the floor, his arm wrapped around Minghao’s waist. Wonwoo cannot bring himself to be jealous. He is very glad neither of his friend’s have to go through this. Very glad they love each other a lot.

ix.  
three days after and you haven't left the house. you feel like you are dying. of course you're dying, half of you has grown legs and walked away. that half had the heart and the soul and your will to live.

* Wonwoo tells all three of his friends everything once Minghao has stopped crying and gone to the kitchen to make tea. Jun is angry and Minghao has to stop him from going to find Mingyu and beating him up a grand total of seven times. Wonwoo stays clinging to Soonyoung for a long time after that, so long that Soonyoung has to cal his boyfriend, Seokmin to tell him what’s happened and how he won’t be home tonight.

Wonwoo can’t bring himself to look around the room, in fear that he’ll see something that reminds him of Mingyu. In the end, Minghao untangles himself from Junhui and turns all the photos of them around to face the wall. Junhui asks Wonwoo if he wants to find this Jeonghan boy, if he wants to tell him. Wonwoo shakes his head no. Even if Mingyu wasn’t good at him, he can’t help who he loves. Wonwoo can’t help loving Mingyu and Mingyu can’t help loving Jeonghan. Wonwoo still wants him to be happy, even if that means he’ll be unhappy for a while. They all fall asleep that night in Wonwoo and Mingyu’s living room, Wonwoo’s hand bunched in the material of Soonyoung’s shirt. Junhui and Minghao curl up against each other. Junhui hugs Minghao protectively into his chest and despite the fact that Wonwoo is dying, he smiles and the pain in his heart dulls for a moment. In the morning, Wonwoo texts Mingyu one last time before Junhui makes him delete his number.

“ **LOVE YOU FOREVER. W**.”

x.   
you ask yourself why it had to happen to you.   
that is easy, of course, my dear.   
don't you know better than to disregard rule one?

*  
Wonwoo knows that this is his own fault, knew this would happen that night in that shitty club when Mingyu first kissed him. He knew what it was, knew what it would become if he let it. He let it.

 

 

 

\- the number one rule of falling in love is to not fall in love.

**Author's Note:**

> IM REALLY SORRY GUYS THERE WAS NO HAPPY ENDING IM SORYR IM SORRY. bro this actually took such an emotional toll on me i almost gave up like seventeen (wahey) times but didnt because i felt like i had to finish it. I really hope y'all enjoyed this nd i pray it didnt hurt u that much!! feedback is always appreciated and thanks for reading!!


End file.
